I'm sexy and I know it

Those who are closest to me know that those words would never be spoken by me. My struggles with low self esteem prevent thoughts like that. However those 6 words play through my mind like a broken record every day. For hours. Here's why...

Car rides create severe anxiety for Emily. Music is one of only a handful of things that soothes her. She has a wide variety of songs on her iPad that she uses in the car. The one song she plays is "I'm sexy and I know it". But not the whole song, just backing it up to replay those 6 words. Over and over. One hour in the morning and one hour in the afternoon. Every day. Sometimes if she's feeling bored with it, she will somehow speed it up to sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks. All while I'm driving with my eye twitching from this noise. Now if she only played this then it might not be so bad but...that's just background music for her. She likes listening to the car radio as well. She is quite bossy from the third row. "Turn it up. Turn it down. Change it. Go back." She will have me flip until I find a song that she likes. If that's not enough to add a head jerk along with the eye twitching, she also likes to ask me questions. Constant questions that leave no room in my head for anything else. Yet the only thing my mind can focus on is those 6 horrendous words that NO 39 year old mother of 3 feels after 2 hours of the above...

"I'm sexy and I know it".

Pictures of Autism

I just wanted a picture of us in blue for Autism Awareness Day. However anyone who has a child on the spectrum knows how hard it is to get them to A) Stand still B) look at the camera and C) smile.

Today's Autism funny was the distraction that my new deodorant brought to our little photo session. The distraction came shortly after the first picture. She smelled something different on me and pinpointed it to my armpit. Her request to smell it made me laugh. She liked the smell so much that in her excitement she nearly took me down.

Splish Splash

I'm just going to say it. The Easter Bunny is a bi$ch. Every year she puts the same thing in Emily's Easter basket knowing it will cause her to have many meltdowns that day. The Easter Bunny is also very practical and frugal though, and likes to give things that will last longer than a chocolate bunny or a basket full of junk. Several years ago she started putting bathing suits in the baskets. It's been chaos and crying every Easter since.

This Easter was no exception. The wide-eyed surprise of finding the bathing suit brought squeals of joy that would make any bunny proud. However the joy was fleeting as the association between bathing suit and swimming crossed her mind. I could see it like a movie scene. The smile. The glance at the bathing suit. The look outside the window. I knew it was coming although she never said a word. After three intense rounds of crying throughout the day I finally succumbed to the stress and did what I knew would make her happy.

Lovey

My youngest will be six years old on February 2.  Having a child after a confirmed diagnosis of autism in an older sibling is scary. So many questions go through your mind. Was there something I did in pregnancy the time before that caused it?  Did I not pay enough attention when they were an infant?  Is there something I can do this time to change it?  It makes you assess every little thing you do.  I know there is nothing I could have done differently in any of my pregnancies to have prevented two premature births and another child born with an autism spectrum disorder.  I believe that all of my children were perfectly made.  Just the way they are.

The story of "Lovey" is a tale of hope, security, love and laziness.  Not necessarily in that order.  My oldest daughter had a pink Precious Moments doll as a baby.  We actually had about 10 at one time because "Pinky" became her security blanket and heaven forbid one went missing.  Thirteen years later the original Pinky is still an integral part of her life. When Emily was born she did not form an attachment to any one thing.  There was no comfort item or security blanket.  The pacifier wasn't even that much of a help.  When my son was born I had the fleeting thought that maybe, just maybe, that was part of Emily's anxiety.  She didn't have a comfort item except for me.  I bought a supply of different lovies for my son to use in hopes that he might find security in one. 

He really did not show an intense interest in any of them.  However, I always made sure they were available.  Then one day when he was an infant it was time to eat.  Actually it was past time to eat.  Preparing the bottle I realized that I didn't have a burp rag.  I certainly didn't have the minute it would take for me to run upstairs to get one so I did what any desperate mom would do.  I grabbed a shirt off of the ever constant pile of laundry that was always on the couch thinking it was one of my husbands.  It was mine and by the time I realized it, there was no turning back.  It was a simple white cotton shirt that I had bought at Target, but one of the few "nicer" post pregnancy shirts I had.  Well since I had already used it, I just decided to use it as the burp rag of the day.  I washed it that night and low and behold bottle time the next day landed me in the same predicament.  And that white t shirt had ended up in the pile on the couch once again so I grabbed it. It ended up in the bed with him a few times that day and I noticed that he really liked holding it while he slept.  He also held on to it while I fed him.  I again washed the shirt at the end of the day and at this point decided the formula stains weren't worth getting out so it became one of the burp rags.  I am not sure at what point it became more of a lovey than a burp rag, but he loved it.  He needed it.  He wanted it.  Six years later, "Lovey" is full of holes.  He(so decided by my son on the gender) is always there at bedtime.  He is sometimes worn as a shirt because he is so comfortable. But most importantly he has given my son a feeling of security. 

 

Thanks for reading~

Jessica

 

"Here comes the rain again..."

The weather in Alabama has been crazy since December.  We have gone from 70 degree temps to 30 degree temps with tornado's in between.  As with many children who have special needs, weather has a huge impact on Emily's behavior and sensory needs.  It is as if she has a built in radar that detects significant changes in weather.  I rarely watch television so I typically do not stay abreast of weather forecasts, except for checking the upcoming weeks temperatures on my phone to pick out school clothes. 

Over the weekend, I noticed some changes with Emily.  After returning from an outing without her on Saturday, I found her in her room wearing a bathing suit.  She had gotten a few other items of clothing from her closet and had thrown them on the floor.  Thinking how odd it was that it was 30 degrees outside and she was in her bathing suit, it didn't completely shock me as it was raining outside.  I thought perhaps she associated the rain with water and swimming.  I again ran errands without her on Sunday and came home to find her wearing a sundress with fleece pajama pants.  There was not one article of clothing left hanging in her closet.  She had obviously tried some things on and then just put them back in her closet on the floor.  Curious as to why the sudden desire to try on and change clothes multiple times in a day, I had a fleeting thought that maybe she was having a fashion show just like any other typical little girl her age would do. 

Monday morning she cried because she didn't want to go to school.  Tuesday morning she complained of a neck ache, her throat hurting and foot ache.  She asked for her sensory bag, which we keep at school during the week, on the way home yesterday.  She wanted her sensory chewies.  She wanted me to warm her weighted neck pad up last night.  It took me 10 minutes to get her sock on just right this morning with more complaints of everything "hurt" her. 

It is raining today and temps are supposed to be up into the 70's for the next several days.  This has wreaked havoc on Emily's sensory processing disorder.  I am sure that there will be negative behaviors associated with this change in weather as well.  To all of my friends with special needs kids...

"Is it raining with you?"
(Annie Lennox)

Emily(far left) tasting the rain

Thanks for reading,
Jessica

A Rose in Winter

A Rose in Winter

As the year comes to a close I have found myself reflecting on the past.  While reflections often bring about feelings of nostalgia or joy for me, they rarely bring about a feeling of sadness.  However, I let myself fall into the trap of looking at life through something other than rose colored glasses.  I usually try to find the beauty or humor in every situation, yet I have been unable to do so in recent days.  Today, looking out my kitchen window, I saw one rose in bloom.  Just one single red rose on my three bushes.  It was as if God was redirecting me.  I saw it as a symbol, a reminder, for the way I want to live my life EVERYDAY.  A red rose on a cold and dark day when we are overcome with the challenges life throws our way. 

My New Year's wish for us all is that we find the beauty within ourselves and in every aspect of our lives.  That we stop to smell the roses when we get the chance and that we Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

 

 

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

Thanks for reading~

Jessica

Blessed

 

"It is more blessed to give than to receive."

Acts 20:35

 

I have always tried to live my life by this verse.  I have blogged about it before.  I have a passion for helping others and giving back.  It is not often that I am on the receiving end of gifts and always feel uncomfortable taking gifts. 

 

 

Earlier this summer I made a decision to step away from helping others for awhile and focus on taking care of my family.  Helping others had taken time away from the most important things in my life and that was my family.  I felt guilty about that.  I decided to get back to couponing.  Something that helped my family tremendously in the past and that I had neglected for almost a year. Over the course of the summer my grocery stockpile grew and my money saving increased.  However, I still

questioned my decisions and felt a sense of guilt for not being able to help everyone else.  It wasn't long until I saw what I had seen every other time.  HIS plan. My husband's job was at stake yet again. This would be the fourth time in four years that layoffs in his job field had created a change for us. The only option that made sense to us was for him to take a very significant cut in pay to be closer to home and with more job security.  I was so thankful to have the tools I needed to continue to save money.  However, I knew that it would not be without struggle and much sacrifice.  

 

In the past few weeks I have been shown that God does supply our needs. Through faith and amazing friends I am blown away by the generous and kind giving of others.  Today when I got home I was SURPRISED to find a wireless printer sitting on my front door.  This may not seem like much to anyone else, but this gift will help tremendously in helping me save money.  I use my phone as a computer 99% of the time and am unable to print coupons from my phone or Emily's ipad.  Extra coupons mean saving extra money.

 

I was just thinking earlier that we would not be able to help needy families in the capacity in which we have in Christmases past.  In giving back, I will pay it forward and use my gift of getting free food at the grocery store with my coupons to families this year. 

 

I found this idea on Pinterest a while back.  Blessing bags: http://pinterest.com/pin/137711701075381561/

I intend to keep giving as much as I possibly can.

 

I am also still fully committed to giving Scentsy Buddies to kids with autism by selling Scentsy. I have been blessed with an abundance of orders recently that helped me send 16 buddies out. 

 

I am blessed beyond measure!

 

 

Thanks for reading,

Jessica

 

To my friends for the support~ I love you!