I am just going to say it...I am a MESS. I have been having a difficult time the past few weeks. I just can't seem to get it together. So many thoughts going on in my mind and I have lost my focus. I am going through my everyday routine without gusto. Without energy. I am weak, vulnerable and feel like I could break at any moment. I must appear fine on the outside though, as everyone is telling me I have never looked better. I still have the ability laugh and pretend that I am not hurting on the inside. I am strong for all those around me yet I can't make myself get over this hump. Is it a reaction to stress, bottled up emotions, a mid-life crisis?
I have spent the past year picking up the pieces from those I care about. I have been there when they were at low points in their life, lifting them up and offering support. I can't go into details but they are stories that I hope to be able to share one day. It has affected me in so many ways, yet I have been unable to speak about it. Only a few close friends and family know. Those who know me, know that I am not a private person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and speak openly about the challenges that I face everyday. However, this just isn't my story alone to share. Bottled up emotions obviously have ill effects on me. Which is why I started blogging in the first place.
My daddy was diagnosed with prostate cancer two years ago. He had just had a stroke a few months earlier that left him disabled. He was not a candidate for chemotherapy or surgery because of his health. He did a series of radiation treatments and hormone therapy which kept the cancer at bay for 2 years. We just found out that the cancer needs to be treated again and the only option left is cryotherapy. It is not a cure and the success rate of course is not 100 percent. I pray that this will give us more time with him. I have been in denial the past two years and just in the past few weeks have accepted the fact that time is precious. I am struggling with the emotions that come with that acceptance.
My kids are growing up and I am getting older. Even the new found independence I am celebrating with Emily, has me sad. I am a nurturer. I need to be needed. I have poured my entire being into their lives for the past 12 years and I am feeling somewhat lost at this new chapter in our lives. All three kids in school a full day in the fall, means that I will have time on my hands. I have no idea what I will do. Sure there will be volunteer opportunities at the school and enough chores to keep me busy, but really, what will I do? What do I want to do?
What I really want to do now is run away. I want to escape these emotions that bring me such heartache. The things that usually help are not helping. Running on the treadmill gets me nowhere. Reading books only temporarily lets my mind rest. Music and laughter only mask my pain. I need someone to take care of me right now, yet I could never allow that. In my eyes, that means weakness. I am the strong one who is incapable of breaking. I am made of steel and can handle anything. I know that God does not gives us more than we can handle. My faith is keeping me afloat. I know that everything happens for a reason and I am reassured that this time in my life is one that I will be able to look back on with clarity and understanding in the future.
So while I am teetering on a breaking point due to stress, emotions or some sort of mid life crisis, it could very well just be PMS. If you see me and I seem distant, know that I am struggling. If I don't respond to your email, phone call or text, please know that I am not ignoring you. I am just trying to get through the day and focus on what needs to get done. I am aware that I could benefit from medication as well, but I have never been one to even take Tylenol when I have a headache. Just simple understanding from friends and family right now is all I need. Oh...and a maid, vacation and possibly another baby to keep me busy : )
Thanks for reading~
Jessica
Update- Since I posted this several hours ago, I already feel so much better. Thanks to encouragement from a sweet friend in writing this post. Writing is SO therapeutic for me.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
"INDEPENDENT, Do you know what that means?"
The title of the post is from a rap song that Emily heard a jingle from on the radio a few weeks ago. She has been walking around singing "INDEPENDENT Do you know what that means" ever since. It struck me as ironic, since I have noticed much more independence from her in the past six months.
As a mama, I love doing things for my kids. It's part of my job. When Anna Grace was born so prematurely, there was so much physically that she was not strong enough to do. I probably coddled her more than I should have. Nurturing is my nature. When Emily was born, everything I would ask her to do created severe anxiety and behavior issues, so naturally I tried to reduce the stress for her by helping. Having Luke has been such an eye opener for me. I am not sure if it's because he is a boy, if it's just his nature or if it's because he's my third child and I am TIRED, but he is the most independent of my three children. Always wanting to do things himself.
Over the past few months, Emily has started to exhibit signs of independence in several areas. She dresses herself although shoes and socks are still difficult. She always takes her towel to the dirty clothes after bath. She knows if our dog needs to be let in or out. She has started going into the refrigerator and pouring her own drink if it's not too full. If the Gatorade bottle is too full, then she will get a cup and water from the sink. Before bed she gets a stool in order to reach the ice maker for her nighttime water. She still has difficulties with hot/cold, so I have not encouraged her in the food prep area. She independently chooses snacks from the pantry if she is hungry. She can brush her teeth independently and has attempted to toilet independently a few times. Albeit a MESS!! While these things may seem insignificant to most parents of a 9 year old, for me they are major accomplishments. Things I was not sure she would ever be able to do. However small they are, I feel they are good building blocks for more independence in the future. I have hope that she will eventually be able to care for her personal needs completely independent of help.
Another GIANT leap of independence is her ability to go places and do things without me. Her separation anxiety is severe and she has struggled with it over the years. Just recently she went back to get her teeth cleaned without me. The dentist alone causes severe stress and we have just begun to acclimate her to the cleanings. For her to go back without me was a major hurdle. She also independently got her haircut the other day. For the past 9 years, haircuts consisted of using the same stylist with me standing right beside her reminding her to look down and be still. Reassuring her it was ok. I was so proud. There are very few people that I trust with Emily. I have been reluctant to leave her with sitters because of her behavior and anxiety when she misses me. Previous sitters include family, teachers and therapists but only a handful of times over the past 9 years. She just recently spent the night away from me at my brothers house. We are all surprised she made it through the night and even went in the first place. There are times when I go into her room and she tells me to get out. She really is growing up and maturing in ways that I never thought possible.
I know that I have a great deal of work to do with her in order to make her as independent as possible. I have never pushed her to be independent because it created anxiety. I have waited 9 years and she is showing me that she is ready to make these steps. My prayer and hope is that I can give her the proper tools for her to navigate this world with as little help as possible. She is so proud of herself when she does things by herself. So am I.
Thanks for reading~
Jessica
As a mama, I love doing things for my kids. It's part of my job. When Anna Grace was born so prematurely, there was so much physically that she was not strong enough to do. I probably coddled her more than I should have. Nurturing is my nature. When Emily was born, everything I would ask her to do created severe anxiety and behavior issues, so naturally I tried to reduce the stress for her by helping. Having Luke has been such an eye opener for me. I am not sure if it's because he is a boy, if it's just his nature or if it's because he's my third child and I am TIRED, but he is the most independent of my three children. Always wanting to do things himself.
Over the past few months, Emily has started to exhibit signs of independence in several areas. She dresses herself although shoes and socks are still difficult. She always takes her towel to the dirty clothes after bath. She knows if our dog needs to be let in or out. She has started going into the refrigerator and pouring her own drink if it's not too full. If the Gatorade bottle is too full, then she will get a cup and water from the sink. Before bed she gets a stool in order to reach the ice maker for her nighttime water. She still has difficulties with hot/cold, so I have not encouraged her in the food prep area. She independently chooses snacks from the pantry if she is hungry. She can brush her teeth independently and has attempted to toilet independently a few times. Albeit a MESS!! While these things may seem insignificant to most parents of a 9 year old, for me they are major accomplishments. Things I was not sure she would ever be able to do. However small they are, I feel they are good building blocks for more independence in the future. I have hope that she will eventually be able to care for her personal needs completely independent of help.
Another GIANT leap of independence is her ability to go places and do things without me. Her separation anxiety is severe and she has struggled with it over the years. Just recently she went back to get her teeth cleaned without me. The dentist alone causes severe stress and we have just begun to acclimate her to the cleanings. For her to go back without me was a major hurdle. She also independently got her haircut the other day. For the past 9 years, haircuts consisted of using the same stylist with me standing right beside her reminding her to look down and be still. Reassuring her it was ok. I was so proud. There are very few people that I trust with Emily. I have been reluctant to leave her with sitters because of her behavior and anxiety when she misses me. Previous sitters include family, teachers and therapists but only a handful of times over the past 9 years. She just recently spent the night away from me at my brothers house. We are all surprised she made it through the night and even went in the first place. There are times when I go into her room and she tells me to get out. She really is growing up and maturing in ways that I never thought possible.
I know that I have a great deal of work to do with her in order to make her as independent as possible. I have never pushed her to be independent because it created anxiety. I have waited 9 years and she is showing me that she is ready to make these steps. My prayer and hope is that I can give her the proper tools for her to navigate this world with as little help as possible. She is so proud of herself when she does things by herself. So am I.
Thanks for reading~
Jessica
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