I'm still standing

I came across a quote earlier today that said "On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days is 100%, and that's pretty good."

I immediately started singing "I'm still standing" by Elton John with a visual of an old barn in my mind. I am a bit quirky like that. There are days that I honestly don't think I will get through the incessant talking and questions from Emily and the constant reassuring I do. It's enough to drive anyone crazy. I was successful in getting her to stop asking me questions repeatedly by using a visual with a stop sign. She would ask the same thing over and over every few minutes. However being as smart as she is, she replaced it with something other than a question. A statement. A simple "I love you mama". There are many of my friends who have never heard those words from their kids. I am extremely blessed that she can say them to me. I must respond to her statement with "I love you too." If I do not reply she says it for me and attempts to get me to repeat it. It's a security and attachment issue with her. She only does this to me. I'm not exaggerating when I say repeatedly. This past weekend my brother in law asked me if I had ever tried to count how many times she told me she loved me in a day. It's impossible. If I were to guess I would say 200 at the least. My sister said she would rather her go back to asking questions.

I feel like an old barn at times. I'm still standing at the end of every day no matter how worn and ragged I look or feel. While I sometimes struggle with the mental, physical and emotional exhaustion of raising a special needs kid along with everyday life, I know without a doubt I am loved. Because I hear it approximately 200 times a day. That is enough to keep me standing.

Thanks for reading~
Jessica

The lady with the coffee scares me

For the past few days Emily has been saying "The lady with the coffee scares me". I had no idea what she was talking about. It could have been me since I'm never without a coffee cup in the mornings and I can be scary. I asked her if she saw it on a movie or on her iPad to which I got no response other than her repeating that the lady scared her. It was brought up several times a day and I could tell she was visualizing whatever it was and was truly anxious about it.

One of the very first indicators that Emily was not "typical" was when she was around 8 months old. The way she looked at books was odd. She looked at them with a puzzled look and very closely. I took her to a pediatric ophthalmologist who assured me everything was fine. At the age of two her anxiety was so severe that it was debilitating for her. She was scared of everything. Mostly people. It was also at that time when in a crowd of people she was say "Where's mommy?". I would be holding her but she would scan the crowd and ask. I took her back to the ophthalmologist who again told me her vision was fine other than being slightly nearsighted. He did however mention face blindness. She was able to differentiate between family members and those we knew so we brushed it off, but the idea was there that she was not processing faces correctly. It was almost 2 years later before she was diagnosed with Autism.

Individuals with Autism process information differently. I knew that Emily was affected visually more than anything else. I still didn't know how she saw things, only that it was different and often scary for her. Many studies have been done on individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorders and the face processing anomaly. The brain perceives faces in a way that makes it difficult for her to recognize the full face. It also makes it difficult for her to read emotions in others. This has affected her life in so many ways. While I can teach her to control her anxiety in relation to her fears I can't change the way her brain views things. It is one of the more difficult challenges I face as a mama to a kid on the spectrum.

Thanks for reading~
Jessica

And if you are wondering who the "lady with the coffee" was...

Mama and her man jobs

I am known as somewhat of a man hater. I'm not going to lie, there's a good bit that annoys me about men in general. But mostly I just like the reputation.

As a female, I find it offensive that jobs are defined as either male or female. I take it as a personal challenge whenever I'm told I can't do something because I'm a woman. Not to mention I am a penny pincher. If there is any way I can save a dollar by doing it myself you can bet I will. Just some of the jobs I've done myself instead of calling a repair"man" have included changing the spark plugs on my SUV, fixing broken toilet levers and valves multiple times( autism tends to be the cause of that in our house), replacing the lower coils in the oven, cutting grass, installing washers and dryers(because I refuse to pay a delivery fee. Yes I'm that cheap), along with many chores around the house that are typically male defined. Another important reason for me to take on these jobs is show other women it can be done.

My latest man job was taking down the swing set that a generous neighbor gave to us many years ago. My kids have gotten many hours of enjoyment from it. However, the wood was rotting, the ladder and slide had broken off, it was home to nests of bumble bees and roaches and it was much to unsafe for me to allow my big kids to swing. Emily has sensory needs and swinging is one of them. Having her get injured by swinging too high was not something I could chance so I began a two day job of taking it down with a hammer and my hands.

Thanks for reading~
Jessica