Breaking point

I am just going to say it...I am a MESS. I have been having a difficult time the past few weeks. I just can't seem to get it together. So many thoughts going on in my mind and I have lost my focus. I am going through my everyday routine without gusto. Without energy.  I am weak, vulnerable and feel like I could break at any moment. I must appear fine on the outside though, as everyone is telling me I have never looked better. I still have the ability laugh and pretend that I am not hurting on the inside. I am strong for all those around me yet I can't make myself get over this hump. Is it a reaction to stress, bottled up emotions, a mid-life crisis?

I have spent the past year picking up the pieces from those I care about. I have been there when they were at low points in their life, lifting them up and offering support. I can't go into details but they are stories that I hope to be able to share one day. It has affected me in so many ways, yet I have been unable to speak about it. Only a few close friends and family know. Those who know me, know that I am not a private person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and speak openly about the challenges that I face everyday. However, this just isn't my story alone to share. Bottled up emotions obviously have ill effects on me. Which is why I started blogging in the first place.

My daddy was diagnosed with prostate cancer two years ago. He had just had a stroke a few months earlier that left him disabled. He was not a candidate for chemotherapy or surgery because of his health. He did a series of radiation treatments and hormone therapy which kept the cancer at bay for 2 years. We just found out that the cancer needs to be treated again and the only option left is cryotherapy. It is not a cure and the success rate of course is not 100 percent. I pray that this will give us more time with him. I have been in denial the past two years and just in the past few weeks have accepted the fact that time is precious. I am struggling with the emotions that come with that acceptance.

My kids are growing up and I am getting older. Even the new found independence I am celebrating with Emily, has me sad. I am a nurturer. I need to be needed. I have poured my entire being into their lives for the past 12 years and I am feeling somewhat lost at this new chapter in our lives. All three kids in school a full day in the fall, means that I will have time on my hands. I have no idea what I will do. Sure there will be volunteer opportunities at the school and enough chores to keep me busy, but really, what will I do? What do I want to do?

What I really want to do now is run away. I want to escape these emotions that bring me such heartache. The things that usually help are not helping. Running on the treadmill gets me nowhere. Reading books only temporarily lets my mind rest. Music and laughter only mask my pain. I need someone to take care of me right now, yet I could never allow that. In my eyes, that means weakness. I am the strong one who is incapable of breaking. I am made of steel and can handle anything. I know that God does not gives us more than we can handle. My faith is keeping me afloat. I know that everything happens for a reason and I am reassured that this time in my life is one that I will be able to look back on with clarity and understanding in the future.

So while I am teetering on a breaking point due to stress, emotions or some sort of mid life crisis, it could very well just be PMS. If you see me and I seem distant, know that I am struggling. If I don't respond to your email, phone call or text, please know that I am not ignoring you. I am just trying to get through the day and focus on what needs to get done. I am aware that I could benefit from medication as well, but I have never been one to even take Tylenol when I have a headache. Just simple understanding from friends and family right now is all I need. Oh...and a maid, vacation and possibly another baby to keep me busy : )

Thanks for reading~
Jessica

Update- Since I posted this several hours ago, I already feel so much better. Thanks to encouragement from a sweet friend in writing this post. Writing is SO therapeutic for me.