An old note-January 6, 2011

Well it happened...my occasional fall apart over my Emily. It hit me hard yesterday for many reasons. I'll start with how things were:

Before Christmas Emily was doing remarkably well at school,home and everywhere. The chaos that comes with Christmas school parties, plays,etc did have some effect on her, but she fought through it!  I was glad to be able to give her a little "down time" over the break. We have a very structured routine at home. Wake up, eating, bath, bedtimes are the same EVERY day! People have often made fun of me because my rigidity over these routines. For Emily, it is imperative that there is sameness in her daily routine and she knows exactly what we are going to do. Since her transition to full days at school back in October(first time in years that she has gone to school consistently a full day!!!) I have noticed an even STRONGER need for minute by minute structure at home. Weekends are not long enough for it to have a negative affect on her if she gets to free play or watch movies at her leisure. HOWEVER, the Christmas break was TOO long, and she regressed in several areas of behavior and academic skills since I had no structured plan in place. Sending her back to school on Tuesday brought anxiety to us both.

It has been a difficult 3 days, although not the worst BY FAR we have seen from Emily.  YESTERDAY hit me like a ton of bricks. I took her with me to the Parent/Teacher store to spend Anna Grace's free birthday email money. I typically only buy things for Emily in there, but thought I would actually use the money to get Anna Grace something and let Emily get something small. Emily picked out two smencils(smelly pencils) and I got Anna Grace a book. As we went to put our things on the counter, the sales lady looks at the book and starts talking to Emily about how the author is going to be signing books in the store next month. She clearly thought that the book was for Emily. Emily, oblivious, and just excited about her smencils, walks away from her. To all outward appearances, Emily looked like a "typical" 8 year old. I did not bother to explain to her that Emily suffered from an Autism Spectrum disorder,severe anxiety,OCD, developmental delays and could barely read at all. In fact the pencils that we were buying Emily could just recently be used to write her name!! I paid for the items and we went to Occupational Therapy.

When I got home last night I was checking my emails. I had one from a friend with a link to Beth Moore's site. Beth Moore was reccommending a site(something she RARELY does) by a woman who discusses "hidden diagnosis" in children. I found it a sign from God. A blessing sent from a friend to offer me hope and understanding. I got in bed last night and turned on CNN and there before me was "BREAKING NEWS" Vaccination's linked to Autism a fruad! Something I never believed anyway, but just one more thing to top my day off. No tears last night, but I had a good cry in the shower this morning. A place where I often release my emotions over the struggles of raising a special needs child. My tears are washed down the drain with the water and I feel better when I am done.

I have no idea what the future holds for Emily. I tell people SO often, that I see Emily and I spending lots of time traveling when the other two kids are grown and gone. She has her mothers roaming spirit. She makes me laugh so much and that is clearly what gets me through the hard times. Just this morning as we passed the Cook's Pest Control place, she says from the backseat " Hey mama, there's the Macy's Parade"! Anytime she sees a bright yellow star, she automatically goes back three years to being in New York and watching the parade from the street. Maybe we will win the lottery one day and we can just live in New York and watch Broadway shows all the time. Or either live in Orlando and go to Disney World all the time. Two of her favorite places(mine as well!)

Just needed to get these feelings off my chest...