Twelve years ago my life changed. I have heard so many people say that when their first child is born. The birth of Anna Grace was no exception. I have told this story many times over the years and am overcome with emotion every time. The feelings and memories are still very vivid for me.
I have always wanted to be a mom. Scott and I had been dating 2 years when I became pregnant. It was not the way I would have liked my fairytale to begin. Despite the awkwardness of having to share the news, we planned a wedding within a month. We were both baptized the week before our wedding. We both agreed that we wanted to enter into the marriage with the Lord in our life. I was over the moon about having a baby. I gave up all soft drinks, ate healthy and took those horrid prenatal vitamins even though they made me sick. I started my pregnancy a little underweight and was told to expect to gain 25-30 pounds. All of my pre natal visits went well and right before Thanksgiving we found out she was a girl(although I already knew and had her name picked out). Scott was really hoping for a boy. They holidays approached and I started feeling a little odd. My face would feel flushed at the most random times. I had already gained a good amount of weight. More than I wanted actually. I worked the week before Christmas and noticed that I had gained 10 pounds in that one week. I complained about it to co-workers who said I was being ridiculous about my weight. I knew it wasn't right because I wasn't eating that much. On Saturday we made a 6 hour round trip to my grandmothers. On the ride home I started to get a headache. By the time we reached my parents house my feet were swollen beyond normal and I felt really bad. We drove home and when we got in I was feeling extremely confused, and could hardly see. Our dog got out of the fence and I just could not function enough to go after him. I went inside and attempted to lie down. Scott called my mom(who is the resident baby aficionado). She said to call the doctor.
They wanted me to come in to labor and delivery. We got to the hospital around 9:30 pm and they hooked me up to monitors which showed my blood pressure was at stroke level and my liver was about to burst. My OB came in from a Christmas Party and I apologized repeatedly for disrupting his night. He ordered a injection to speed up the development of Anna Grace's lungs, told me to rest and he would see me in the morning. Rest I did NOT. I could only lay on my left side to try and lower my blood pressure. When he came around at 7am and asked how I was feeling, I said "Fine. I think I'm OK to go home". He then told me that my life was in grave danger if I did not deliver immediately. I didn't know much, but I knew that a baby born at 26 weeks was not good. I had an epidural and was wheeled back to surgery at 9am. Because the circumstances were so dire, they allowed my mom and Scott in the delivery room. They prepared them for the worst. They could lose both of us. Because it was such a rush to prep me, my epidural only took on one side. I had feeling! Anna Grace was born December 19, 1999 at 9:38am weighing 1 lb 12oz and 13 1/2 inches long. There was no sound as they pulled her out. She was so long and thin. I remember a team of doctors and nurses whisking her away and me trying very hard to turn to look at her to make sure she was alive. As they were stitching me up I became horribly sick and started vomiting. They proceeded to sedate me and I don't remember much for several hours. When I awoke, everyone was telling me how perfect and beautiful she was. I wanted to go see her so badly but was not stable enough to be moved. The lights had to be kept off and noise to a minimum. They brought me a Polaroid picture and I remember commenting how big she looked. I was unable to see her for almost 18 excruciating hours, until I was stable enough to be moved to a room. I was so excited!
Nothing I had ever read or seen could have prepared me for what I saw...
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Stranger Danger
This is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind for sometime now. There are so many stories in the news about kids with Autism and elopement. Emily has never been a wanderer, thank goodness but has been known to run from certain situations.
When Emily was between the ages of 2-5 she had severe stranger anxiety. Looking back it was appropriate for her developmentally. Our entire life was affected by this. It became difficult to go anywhere because of meltdowns. We worked hard to help her overcome these difficulties. She became quite the social butterfly(mostly around adults). In Kindergarten she would take breaks and walk around the school talking to different teachers and staff. She quickly memorized names and would speak to them whenever she saw them. We would go to the grocery store and she would have to ask the cashier what their name was. She went from complete fear to no fear. We welcomed this as it made our outings so much easier. Plus is was cute to see her stick out her hand and say "Nice to meet you."
At the age of 9 her social skills have progressed in such a way I never thought possible. She is still very friendly to all adults including strangers. Her social play with kids her own age has increased as well. It is very heartwarming to see. However, in recent months while watching her approach strangers to introduce herself I have been thinking that there has to come a time when I need to become cautious. She is always with me except for her time at school. I know that she will be with me forever, but I also have a responsibility to make her as independent as possible. I don't know at what point or if I should even attempt to talk to her about the potential dangers that lurk in our society. My typical kids both have an understanding of these dangers. I do not want to put fear back into Emily's mind but I need to know that she will be safe.
She has grown so much and come such a long way...
When Emily was between the ages of 2-5 she had severe stranger anxiety. Looking back it was appropriate for her developmentally. Our entire life was affected by this. It became difficult to go anywhere because of meltdowns. We worked hard to help her overcome these difficulties. She became quite the social butterfly(mostly around adults). In Kindergarten she would take breaks and walk around the school talking to different teachers and staff. She quickly memorized names and would speak to them whenever she saw them. We would go to the grocery store and she would have to ask the cashier what their name was. She went from complete fear to no fear. We welcomed this as it made our outings so much easier. Plus is was cute to see her stick out her hand and say "Nice to meet you."
At the age of 9 her social skills have progressed in such a way I never thought possible. She is still very friendly to all adults including strangers. Her social play with kids her own age has increased as well. It is very heartwarming to see. However, in recent months while watching her approach strangers to introduce herself I have been thinking that there has to come a time when I need to become cautious. She is always with me except for her time at school. I know that she will be with me forever, but I also have a responsibility to make her as independent as possible. I don't know at what point or if I should even attempt to talk to her about the potential dangers that lurk in our society. My typical kids both have an understanding of these dangers. I do not want to put fear back into Emily's mind but I need to know that she will be safe.
She has grown so much and come such a long way...
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Gratitude
In honor of Thanksgiving I am writing this post:
Gratitude- the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful
Gratitude is not the same as indebtedness. While both emotions occur following help, indebtedness occurs when a person perceives that they are under an obligation to make some repayment of compensation for the aid.[7] The emotions lead to different actions; indebtedness can motivate the recipient of the aid to avoid the person who has helped them, whereas gratitude can motivate the recipient to seek out their benefactor and to improve their relationship with them
I have had many discussions about gratitude and indebtedness in the past few months. I am one who loves to help others and expects nothing in return. My thanks comes from the satisfaction I feel in providing the aid. I am aware that there are many who need something in return for their time and kindness. Whether it be a simple thank you, a pat on the back, a public show of thanks or some other token of appreciation. I have actually encouraged recipients of aid recently to show their appreciation to those who have helped, because I know that it is beneficial to both parties. It gives the person giving, a sense of appreciation and the person receiving a sense of thankfulness. However, I do have a hard time with those who think that they are "owed" for doing something(which many times is doing nothing). That leads to feelings of indebtedness and sometimes strains relationships. I avoid that at all costs, as relationships are more important to me than ANY public show of appreciation.
Most people know that I like to work quietly behind the scenes and do not want/nor need attention for helping. In fact makes me very uncomfortable to be thanked publicly for doing something that comes natural and from my heart. However, I am always appreciative of the gratitude shown by others for my involvement. It warms my heart when I get private messages, emails and phone calls thanking me. I had an intense discussion yesterday with someone, who I have been helping, when they told me they were going to publicly thank me! First off they knew the reaction they would get as I am always saying "DO NOT MENTION MY NAME". There are many reasons behind my insistance against this public attention, but the main reason is that I just don't feel it necessary to say thanks publicly. They had already told me thanks MANY times privately and I just did not see the need. I am hoping they respect my wishes as I have received all of the gratitude I need and do not want to enter into the world of indebtedness.
I will continue to strive to make my actions speak louder than words and expect nothing in return!
Jessica
Gratitude- the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful
Gratitude is not the same as indebtedness. While both emotions occur following help, indebtedness occurs when a person perceives that they are under an obligation to make some repayment of compensation for the aid.[7] The emotions lead to different actions; indebtedness can motivate the recipient of the aid to avoid the person who has helped them, whereas gratitude can motivate the recipient to seek out their benefactor and to improve their relationship with them
I have had many discussions about gratitude and indebtedness in the past few months. I am one who loves to help others and expects nothing in return. My thanks comes from the satisfaction I feel in providing the aid. I am aware that there are many who need something in return for their time and kindness. Whether it be a simple thank you, a pat on the back, a public show of thanks or some other token of appreciation. I have actually encouraged recipients of aid recently to show their appreciation to those who have helped, because I know that it is beneficial to both parties. It gives the person giving, a sense of appreciation and the person receiving a sense of thankfulness. However, I do have a hard time with those who think that they are "owed" for doing something(which many times is doing nothing). That leads to feelings of indebtedness and sometimes strains relationships. I avoid that at all costs, as relationships are more important to me than ANY public show of appreciation.
Most people know that I like to work quietly behind the scenes and do not want/nor need attention for helping. In fact makes me very uncomfortable to be thanked publicly for doing something that comes natural and from my heart. However, I am always appreciative of the gratitude shown by others for my involvement. It warms my heart when I get private messages, emails and phone calls thanking me. I had an intense discussion yesterday with someone, who I have been helping, when they told me they were going to publicly thank me! First off they knew the reaction they would get as I am always saying "DO NOT MENTION MY NAME". There are many reasons behind my insistance against this public attention, but the main reason is that I just don't feel it necessary to say thanks publicly. They had already told me thanks MANY times privately and I just did not see the need. I am hoping they respect my wishes as I have received all of the gratitude I need and do not want to enter into the world of indebtedness.
I will continue to strive to make my actions speak louder than words and expect nothing in return!
Jessica
Friday, October 21, 2011
Why I don't "work"...
I am the oldest of 4 children. I have been looking after children for as long as I can remember. My mother had an in home daycare for kids(about 4 kids on top of her own 4)when I was in elementary school. In junior high school she became the director of a daycare at the small private school I attended. I babysat on weekends from the time I was 13 and worked in the daycare after school when I turned 15. I love kids!
I worked my way through college at a bank and at a medical billing office. When I got pregnant at the age of 25 I had no doubts I would go right back to work and my child would go to daycare with my mother. I could not have felt more comfortable! When Anna Grace was born at 26 weeks weighing 1 pound 12 ounces, it still did not register in my mind that I would not go back to work. We were told she would be in the hospital for months and that when she came home she would need to be isolated from other children to prevent life threatening illnesses. A common cold could have killed her. Knowing they would not let me live at the hospital, I went back to work part time 2 weeks after I had her. Still reeling from the jolt of having a baby so early and dealing with blood pressure issues as well. I lasted about a month. She spent 2 months in the hospital and we brought her home weighing 4 pounds 4 ounces. I was elated to finally have her home and the thought of leaving her to go back to work never crossed my mind. As a matter of fact I stressed over the idea that I may have to eventually go back for financial reasons. Through faith and help along the way, I have been at home ever since.
I have struggled with the importance of contributing to my family financially over the years. The subject has been brought up many times and has often caused many arguments. I could not have left Anna Grace at daycare, and by the time Emily came along there was no point in me returning to work just to pay for childcare. There were tremendous sacrifices made by Scott in giving up a career he loved to support his family. I am forever grateful to him for allowing me the opportunity to be a mommy full-time! A job layoff nearly did us in, but we survived.
I have recently become involved in selling Scentsy to provide Buddies for Autistic kids. I use my commission to turn around and send out Scentsy buddies that help calm kids on the spectrum. I know that we could use the income, but I feel so passionate about giving back. I was also asked to be on the board of a non profit organization called Very Special People,Inc(a part of A4cwsn many of you hear me talking about). As with any non profit, it is about giving back. So while I don't technically "work", my time will be spent raising awareness for things that I am passionate about and there is not a salary that could compare to the feeling of pride that comes with that!
I worked my way through college at a bank and at a medical billing office. When I got pregnant at the age of 25 I had no doubts I would go right back to work and my child would go to daycare with my mother. I could not have felt more comfortable! When Anna Grace was born at 26 weeks weighing 1 pound 12 ounces, it still did not register in my mind that I would not go back to work. We were told she would be in the hospital for months and that when she came home she would need to be isolated from other children to prevent life threatening illnesses. A common cold could have killed her. Knowing they would not let me live at the hospital, I went back to work part time 2 weeks after I had her. Still reeling from the jolt of having a baby so early and dealing with blood pressure issues as well. I lasted about a month. She spent 2 months in the hospital and we brought her home weighing 4 pounds 4 ounces. I was elated to finally have her home and the thought of leaving her to go back to work never crossed my mind. As a matter of fact I stressed over the idea that I may have to eventually go back for financial reasons. Through faith and help along the way, I have been at home ever since.
I have struggled with the importance of contributing to my family financially over the years. The subject has been brought up many times and has often caused many arguments. I could not have left Anna Grace at daycare, and by the time Emily came along there was no point in me returning to work just to pay for childcare. There were tremendous sacrifices made by Scott in giving up a career he loved to support his family. I am forever grateful to him for allowing me the opportunity to be a mommy full-time! A job layoff nearly did us in, but we survived.
I have recently become involved in selling Scentsy to provide Buddies for Autistic kids. I use my commission to turn around and send out Scentsy buddies that help calm kids on the spectrum. I know that we could use the income, but I feel so passionate about giving back. I was also asked to be on the board of a non profit organization called Very Special People,Inc(a part of A4cwsn many of you hear me talking about). As with any non profit, it is about giving back. So while I don't technically "work", my time will be spent raising awareness for things that I am passionate about and there is not a salary that could compare to the feeling of pride that comes with that!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Dogs~Man's Best Friend
This post has been a long time coming...
We are a canine loving family. I had a Shih-Tzu named Buddy for 15 years. He was the sweetest dog ever and it was the hardest thing I EVER had to do putting him down. It was like losing a family member. I grieved over the loss for almost a year. Everyone kept telling me to get another dog right away. I felt as if I would be replacing him by doing so, so I kept saying no. Buddy was a comforting presence to the kids. They never really played with him though since he was older.
Almost a year to the date, we decided it was time to love another dog. Stewart is a Shih-Tzu as well, but looks completely different than Buddy! I knew that Anna Grace and Luke would love him and play with him, but I worried about Emily. She has always been a little afraid of dogs that jump on her and I knew that a puppy would be very active(unlike Buddy). She was not interested in him at all for the first 6 months. As he calmed down and outgrew some of his puppy behavior, I noticed her following HIM around and her watching what HE did. We had some bad weather one day and Emily and Stewart were in my bedroom. Stewart had gotten under the bed and Emily was sitting right beside him looking very intently at his eyes and saying something I could not understand to him. I left the room and came back in just as a firetruck went by with the sirens on. Emily(who has supersonic hearing) went and got into a corner in the bedroom near the bed between the wall and dresser and said to herself, "It's Ok". She sat for a long time and then emerged, went into the kitchen to get a snack, and brought it back to her corner. She had NEVER put herself in that spot before.
I few weeks later, I could not find Emily. I was slightly terrified as she is UNDERNEATH me at all times. After calling her name for several minutes, I finally found her in my closet with Stewart. Stewart likes to sleep in our closet when we are gone during the day. It is his comfort spot. Emily had obviously been watching him and knew that if he felt safe in there, she would too. She began going in there often, usually taking her iPod touch or iPad with her. It is her "safe place" now!
Emily has severe anxiety and separation has always been an issue for her, The fact that she can go into a room by herself without me being close or within earshot is HUGE! I know that assistance dogs are trained to pick up on cues from Special Needs Kids. The fact that Emily picked up cues from Stewart reminds me of what her Neurophychologist said about her brain. She has a prehistoric brain that relies on her surroundings and watching others to process data and learn about the world around her.
MUST LOVE DOGS...
We are a canine loving family. I had a Shih-Tzu named Buddy for 15 years. He was the sweetest dog ever and it was the hardest thing I EVER had to do putting him down. It was like losing a family member. I grieved over the loss for almost a year. Everyone kept telling me to get another dog right away. I felt as if I would be replacing him by doing so, so I kept saying no. Buddy was a comforting presence to the kids. They never really played with him though since he was older.
Almost a year to the date, we decided it was time to love another dog. Stewart is a Shih-Tzu as well, but looks completely different than Buddy! I knew that Anna Grace and Luke would love him and play with him, but I worried about Emily. She has always been a little afraid of dogs that jump on her and I knew that a puppy would be very active(unlike Buddy). She was not interested in him at all for the first 6 months. As he calmed down and outgrew some of his puppy behavior, I noticed her following HIM around and her watching what HE did. We had some bad weather one day and Emily and Stewart were in my bedroom. Stewart had gotten under the bed and Emily was sitting right beside him looking very intently at his eyes and saying something I could not understand to him. I left the room and came back in just as a firetruck went by with the sirens on. Emily(who has supersonic hearing) went and got into a corner in the bedroom near the bed between the wall and dresser and said to herself, "It's Ok". She sat for a long time and then emerged, went into the kitchen to get a snack, and brought it back to her corner. She had NEVER put herself in that spot before.
I few weeks later, I could not find Emily. I was slightly terrified as she is UNDERNEATH me at all times. After calling her name for several minutes, I finally found her in my closet with Stewart. Stewart likes to sleep in our closet when we are gone during the day. It is his comfort spot. Emily had obviously been watching him and knew that if he felt safe in there, she would too. She began going in there often, usually taking her iPod touch or iPad with her. It is her "safe place" now!
Emily has severe anxiety and separation has always been an issue for her, The fact that she can go into a room by herself without me being close or within earshot is HUGE! I know that assistance dogs are trained to pick up on cues from Special Needs Kids. The fact that Emily picked up cues from Stewart reminds me of what her Neurophychologist said about her brain. She has a prehistoric brain that relies on her surroundings and watching others to process data and learn about the world around her.
MUST LOVE DOGS...
Thursday, September 29, 2011
You are the Music in Me
I am a music lover. I am not musically gifted like my oldest, Anna Grace(who can play music by ear) or like Emily who can carry a tune very well, despite the fact she has a speech delay. I do however "think" in music. Some people are visual thinkers, some are auditory(maybe I fall in this category) and some are tactile. I can think of a song to go with just about any situation, comment or thought. This week, I started having fun on facebook. When driving in my car, I heard a heavy metal rock song and turned in into a post on facebook. "Metal Monday" I had "Take it back Tuesday" and One-Hit Wonder Wednesday. Today is Theatrical Thursday(my fav). Music inspires me. It drives me. It makes me feel better.
I have always encouraged music with my kids. They have participated in Kindermusik, taken piano lessons, and done music therapy. Emily's school is a Shelby County school for disabled kids. I found out last year, that they did NOT have music for those kids. They have drums come in from another school occasionally to perform. When they have plays, because the majority of kids are non verbal, they have a middle school choir come in. I was quite upset that these kids were not giving the opportunity to experience music in a way that could benefit them in so many ways! You don't have to sing to enjoy music. Actually you don't even have to hear to enjoy music. I am happy to report that yesterday Emily came home and said she went to MUSIC! She was so very excited(as she loves music as much if not MORE than me) and was trying to repeat the song they had learned. Her heart was happy singing and doing the motions.
Today is Theatrical Thursday. I am including a clip from the very first Broadway play my kids were exposed to when they were around 3 yrs old. They saw this version of Peter Pan(on video) before they ever saw Disney's version. Believe it or not, they prefer Broadway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OWAfvd7WY0
I have always encouraged music with my kids. They have participated in Kindermusik, taken piano lessons, and done music therapy. Emily's school is a Shelby County school for disabled kids. I found out last year, that they did NOT have music for those kids. They have drums come in from another school occasionally to perform. When they have plays, because the majority of kids are non verbal, they have a middle school choir come in. I was quite upset that these kids were not giving the opportunity to experience music in a way that could benefit them in so many ways! You don't have to sing to enjoy music. Actually you don't even have to hear to enjoy music. I am happy to report that yesterday Emily came home and said she went to MUSIC! She was so very excited(as she loves music as much if not MORE than me) and was trying to repeat the song they had learned. Her heart was happy singing and doing the motions.
Today is Theatrical Thursday. I am including a clip from the very first Broadway play my kids were exposed to when they were around 3 yrs old. They saw this version of Peter Pan(on video) before they ever saw Disney's version. Believe it or not, they prefer Broadway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OWAfvd7WY0
Monday, September 26, 2011
Say, Say, Say
There is some sort of cold going around our house. Everyone has scratchy throats, coughs and sniffly sneezes. Luke lost his voice yesterday. He woke up this morning and whispered that he needed to speak sign language today. He brought home a list of signs from school last week and has been practicing. Anna Grace also signed up for a sign language class at school this year! I am amazed at their interest in communicating with others. We are blessed that Emily is verbal, however she has several friends who are non verbal. A little boy in her class is hearing impaired and uses signs. Emily has come home several times trying to repeat the signs she has seen him use at school. Anna Grace and Luke have always asked me questions about kids with disabilities and I have always been honest with them. I wanted first and foremost for them to have empathy for kids like Emily. All of my kids are talkers. They talk NON-STOP! Car rides consist of all 3 talking or babbling at the same time. I often feel guilty for needing to tune them out! It warms my heart theat they have an interest in sign language without my encouraging or coaxing them to learn. They truly have it in their heart to communicate with others in a way that most of us don't know. It makes me extremely proud!
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